Friday, July 31, 2009

Ugliest MLB Players Part 3: Bartolo Colon

I mean look at this guy. He has the physique of a bowling ball (see below), he's got crooked eyes, a near uni-brow and his nose takes up 3/4th of his face. He looks like Andre the Giant for god sakes. Looking at his body, it's no wonder he's pitched nearly his entire career in the American League; if he had to bat and actually run he would be, hands-down, the laughing stock of Major League Baseball. Can you imagine him swinging a bat with those tiny arms trying to avoid that gut and then, if he did manage to make contact, running down the 1st base line? It would be hilarious, in fact, they should have a feature at next year's All-Star game, "Watch Bartolo Run." They can pay him $500K to do it which would prevent him from having to try and pitch for another year in the big leagues. You could even have people bet on how long it will take him or how many times he will trip and fall on his face.

He's currently on the DL with the White Sox, he's managed to piss everyone off there, including Ozzie Guillen, and he disappeared for a week right around the time Michael Jackson died because he said, "[unable] to cope with Michael Jackson's passing." (Source) He's lazy, I get the feeling he really doesn't want to pitch, so making him a circus-show act at next year's All-Star game sounds like the perfect idea to me.

Anyway, he is the bowling ball's career pitching stats (13 seasons):

153-103 (not bad)
Career 4.10 ERA and 1.338 WHIP
2076.2 IP
1607 Ks
7 SO/9 ratio (again, not bad)
31 career CGs
2005 AL Cy Young Winner
2-time All-Star

So he's had a decent career, big deal. Most of his success is probably due in part to the fact that most Major Leaguers aren't used to having a 5'11" 250lbs. behemoth pitching to them, it scared them. Anyway, if you want this author's prediction; he won't pitch in the Major Leagues again after this season. He's been mediocre, at best, for the past few years and he needs to go.

No comments:

Post a Comment